Some pre-requisets to this blog post; I am drunk. really drunk. I am depressed. Really Depressed.

i've gotten myself kciked out of school again. i know, its like the 4th time, but man, its fucking anoying. i hate doing this shit. why can't i be sucsessfull? why can't i do somthing with my life thats right? I try, i honestly do, but then i find somthing elce to dip all ofg my energy into. i don't want to blame my brotherhood for anything, but more and more i rtealize that i have been putting my fraternity over my schooling. and i'm the one who's supposed to be the teacher. the one who told Phil that he's got to get school work........


i just heard a bagpipe...



i'm dilusional....


anyways...


i'm the one who told phil that he needs to get his school work done before fraternity. this boy got worse because of me. and now i'm done. FUCKING DONE. i can't help it. i don't want to be here anymore, its not doing anything for me.

true, i ahve meet a shit ton of great people and have had allot of good experiences, but inin all i'm just another college drop out.

i know what i want to do in life, and i can see it hapening. i just need to find the ends to the means. the path. i can see the ending, but how to get there is beyond me. theres no way to explain what is really going through my head right now.

where do i go?
what dod i do?
how do i pay for this?
who am i disapointing?
what will people think?
am i going to be another mindless drone to life?
why can't i sucseed?
why is my abillity to rise above adversity not working anymore?
why am i allone?
what can i do to not feel like this?

these are but the tip o' the fuckin' iceburg on whats going through my head right now.

needless to say, i can't belive myslef. i can't belive that i've let everyone down.


I CAN'T BELIVE I'M CURLING UP AND QUITTING.



thats not me. i don't know where i am. i'm fucking lost, and the wqorst part is, i have absolutly no way of rinding myself.




i'm a fraud. a facade of happyness thats here to entertain everyone elce bu myself.


so here are my options (not that anyone CARES or reads this far... oh man, penauts is whining again, fucking right, no one fucking cares, i just type for my sanity).

!.) beg my stats professor to give me a D, wich would still give me a less than 2.o GPA wich would STILL get me kicked out, then write a letter and get put on academic probation. i think i've been on probation for more semesters than i havent in my tenure here...

@.) get kicked out, take my lumps like i should have 2 years ago, and go to MATC, hopefully this spring semester. but that would involve getting my bill cleared with UWW, wich is a little over 3 grand, so thats not likely going to happen.

#.) take a whole semester off. that would kill me, cause SW would want me full time and offer me more money. then i would still ilve at ferris but not be able to be involved. i would have to give up so many things but thats the most logical choise given my money situyation right now.

$.) the freak chance i pull a 2.0..... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

%.) i get out of here. just go to madison or milwaukee or chicago. start with SW there, work for a year or two, go back to school to get that FUCKING peice pof paper that causees everyone som uch GOD DAMN misery and then start doing my won thing

^.) quit it all, just work full time, fuck school. disapoint everyone. move far far away. maybe NYC, do what i can there. i can't stand this place.

&.) somthing that i shouldn't even be thinking about. somthing that no one should think about. i may be giving up on UWW for now, but i'm not going there.




so thats it. i can't think anymore, i have a raquetball final at 10am, my last official final, and probably my last offical act as a student at the Unoiversity of Wisconsin - Whitewater.


wow, I SUCK AT LIFE.












the shoulders that are so broad, the shoulders that everyone can cry on, the man that everyone can turn too, the person that people confide in, the one that isd the life of the party and yuor best friend at the same time is done.


who can i turn to?