Sometimes i wish i could just walk away from everything


not everything...

Well I'm gonna to go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this. [picks up an ashtray] And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need...

quote from jerk... it makes me realize that i don't want to leave it all behind, i just wish i could balance a little better. I took a few days off for myself, and i feel horible about it. yea, i needed it, but i could have been doing so much more with my time.

sometimes i feel like i'm running in thigh high water, still getting to where i need to be, but so much slower than i want to.

I can't wait untill i have free time, to spend with Kari, and to not worry about anything, not to have people depending on me so much.

sometimes i feel like there is so much going on and i'm letting so many people down i'm just overwhelmed.

i want to go on vacation, to that island with white sand and the weathertorn hammock without a care in the world, but who would wory then?

i dont want to sound cocky, but a good amout of people come to me for guidance and i tend to form a strong fallowing. i wish i didn't have charisma or leadership skills sometimes. i wish i could be in the background, not having a strong opinion and just going with the flow like some of my friends do. but right now, there is so much chaos going on that if someone doesn't step up and take charge, nothing will get done.

but i take too much on, i think i can handle it all then i miss a date or a fuddle somthing up, forget to tell someone somthing important.

its times like these i wish i could just sit in a large leather recliner, smoke a cigar, and sip a glass of brandy

just to relax thats all i want, thats all i require, thats all i need in life right now, and because of all thats going on i cant even relax arround kari.

somthing needs to go right, somthing needs to happen that will tell me everythings ok, that i wont go insane, that this is all worth it.

the only thing i have right now that is going the way i want it to is my relationship, and thats perfect as far as i can see. sometimes I use my feelings twards kari to make everything ok. just imagining the perfect day we had on our first date, getting back to the twilight where all we could hear was the water and our breathing.

that was relaxation. this is not.

i feel that just my snorkel is above water and i'm treading water with one leg...










sorry folks, i'm not in the best of moods now. i wish i could revert to PEANUTS and tank a bottle of mad dog and go streaking. but i can't anymore........

FACEBOOK

so yeah, its almost 4am and i'm not the least bit sleepy.

this sucks.

grrr....


i wish i had ambition to do anything else but update my blog and go on facebook..


by the way, the only reason i did is so Kari could link me...

and shes already warned me to cencor myself, so no pics of me in a thong







yet








hehehe...









well, i might be able to try and lay down... this sucks, i'm not even drunk.






4:28 am - still wired, i jerked it and i'm still not tired, i made a plasma apointment for as early as possible so i can get it done with, i might as well, then just nap later tomarow...i mean today... just an hour and 45 minutes till i leave, i can stay awake for that... i'm fucking wired for sound somehow... maybe chaneling sexual energy?... we may never know...


4:30 - I KNOW WHAT I"LL DO! i'll go for a run at like 515, yeah! for about a half hour, then take a nice long shower, maybe make some BREAH-FASSS.... yeah, thats the plan.


4:35 - a dam broke in massachusets, i wonder if the'll over react to it to make up for new orleans...


4:39 - oct 24-30 on AMC, all 39 hitchcock films... sounds like a plan


4:58 - aperintly everyone who watches tv at this time is realy realy impresionable. everyone wants to sell you somthing. (i'm kinda getting sleepy, but i'm gonna go run soon. so that'll wake me up)


5:13 - music on MTV!?!? must be just in the time that no respectfull teenager/twentysomthing would be up unless we were a corperate whore already, or just stupid like me....


5:22 - i can't find the original 'gold digger' that Ben's got as a ringer....fucking catchy tune..... damn him


5:28 - after reading online that its 44 degrees outside, i resolve to swich from ankle socks to my knee high thermal socks for running


5:36 - good quote from a lil' kim video... who would have thunk it


5:43 - i don't think i'm gonna go running.....wait, i can move my apointment to whenever.... its just free lunch that i'm scedualing arround...


5:48 - ok, i'm really going to go now...


5:55 - ok, so i haven't left yet, i had to get that quote from the lil' kim video and put it in my profile. but now i realize that MTV might be playing music video's, but they happen to be the same 4...LAME


6:30 - i forgot how good that feels... looks like i'll have to push back my plasma apointment

so now i go to the shower, thanks for making it through the night with me.


7:14 - nice long shower, decide to put off plasma till 845, gives me another hour to enjoy time to myself... i dont have enough of that. TALKED TO KIVI! the only sign of life at this ungodly hour...


7:16 - kivi went to shower (yea right, he doesn't shower... who's he trying to fool?) i'm alone again... do i dare wake anyone up in the house?


7:25 - kari calls me expecting to wake me up. I answer in one ring


7:45 - CHRIS and JAKE are up! time to fuck with them!


now people are up! so i go give plasma.... adn then free lunch... and then probably CRASH LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA

i seem to never have time for anything, and when i try to make time for things i seem to never get them done. This simple fact means i have no time for myself, selfish be it may, i cant relax at all lately.

i'm trying really hard not to be a control freak but i can't help it, i want to help when somone is in need, but then it takes too long and i need to be doing somthing else.

i can't afford another mental breakdown. yea, the last one was just me going crazy, but the one that half my fraternity and Kari witnessed was pretty bad.

i'm feeling that calm wash over me, its like i can see it coming like a typhoon while i'm wading in the kiddy pool. its coming, and i could swim into it and face it all, or i could swimn to a different part of the pool and make things a little easier.

for now i just try and balance things out.

so if i'm a little edgy and off the wall lately, thats why.




I'm worried about my mental swimming conditions.