i know i'm a day early, but hell...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!!

there it is, its been one whole FREAKIN' year. we've been through allot.

• lonely on the holidays
• many spurts of depression
• different 'updates' at the end of posts
• a few drunken posts
• ... ok allot of drunken posts
• my birthday bash
• making a list of girls i would date... i should do that again...
• wow, only posting once a month...
• my 'getting a tan' theory
• the best weekend ever
• drama with Al
• the random flashers
• Allot about kari

so that took entirely too long, to look over the last year of my life and try to sumiraze what has happened.

therefore i'm moving my daily life posts to a different location. no, i'm not going to post this location, bacause i want to know who wants it. i still wont pull any punches, but i'd rather be specific on the new blog.

wow, two blogs, i recall complaining about lack of free time and now i'm making more for myself. weird.


Also, if you want to know what i would have gotten you for christmas, post a comment and i'll reply with what i would have gotten if i would have had cash.

as for that, my feet are cold, i haven't eaten yet today and its 3pm. i'm going home for christmas. i wont be sitting here allone in ferris.

its been one hell of a year. thanks for being there allong with me.

i'm not that bad off. well i am. but i'm not dwelling on it like i was. i've picked myself up and i'm doing what i have to do.

i got a 1.6 somthin... sothat puts me at a 1.985 overall... wich gets me dismissed.

AGAIN

so there it is, i'm not in WW anymore. but i am still here, clawing tooth and nail to do what i can to stay sane.

first step is to get my financial aid figured out, the bastards randomly said i can't have it cause i got dismissed last time, but i got back in... fuckers.

then i look into going to MATC, hopefully in Fortatkinson so i can still be active in WW, but eventually moving to madison, probably next fall. i hate to go, i love this town and all the people in it, but i have to, for my own sanity. i know i could fight and get back in, but after this long, not doing what i had to do to get where i need to be, i need to cut my losses in school, and go after what i want.

from then, hopefully 2 years later i'll be able to get that degree, some classes that'll help me in my carrer, and over those 2 years i'll have made a ton of contacts by doing projects on the side and consulting at Sherwin Williams. I'll be 25 years old. a decent age to be young, fresh, and ambitious.

i'm not done. not by any means. i have a plan, i have goals, i have drive, and i have ambition. I also have freinds that wont let me fail. i'm eternaly greatfull for that. i don't know what i'd do without you. all of you. i know only a select few read this, but even those whom i hardlyt ever talk to, i know there still there.

Thank you, Everyone.

Don't worry about little old me, you know i'll survive somehow. i always do.

Some pre-requisets to this blog post; I am drunk. really drunk. I am depressed. Really Depressed.

i've gotten myself kciked out of school again. i know, its like the 4th time, but man, its fucking anoying. i hate doing this shit. why can't i be sucsessfull? why can't i do somthing with my life thats right? I try, i honestly do, but then i find somthing elce to dip all ofg my energy into. i don't want to blame my brotherhood for anything, but more and more i rtealize that i have been putting my fraternity over my schooling. and i'm the one who's supposed to be the teacher. the one who told Phil that he's got to get school work........


i just heard a bagpipe...



i'm dilusional....


anyways...


i'm the one who told phil that he needs to get his school work done before fraternity. this boy got worse because of me. and now i'm done. FUCKING DONE. i can't help it. i don't want to be here anymore, its not doing anything for me.

true, i ahve meet a shit ton of great people and have had allot of good experiences, but inin all i'm just another college drop out.

i know what i want to do in life, and i can see it hapening. i just need to find the ends to the means. the path. i can see the ending, but how to get there is beyond me. theres no way to explain what is really going through my head right now.

where do i go?
what dod i do?
how do i pay for this?
who am i disapointing?
what will people think?
am i going to be another mindless drone to life?
why can't i sucseed?
why is my abillity to rise above adversity not working anymore?
why am i allone?
what can i do to not feel like this?

these are but the tip o' the fuckin' iceburg on whats going through my head right now.

needless to say, i can't belive myslef. i can't belive that i've let everyone down.


I CAN'T BELIVE I'M CURLING UP AND QUITTING.



thats not me. i don't know where i am. i'm fucking lost, and the wqorst part is, i have absolutly no way of rinding myself.




i'm a fraud. a facade of happyness thats here to entertain everyone elce bu myself.


so here are my options (not that anyone CARES or reads this far... oh man, penauts is whining again, fucking right, no one fucking cares, i just type for my sanity).

!.) beg my stats professor to give me a D, wich would still give me a less than 2.o GPA wich would STILL get me kicked out, then write a letter and get put on academic probation. i think i've been on probation for more semesters than i havent in my tenure here...

@.) get kicked out, take my lumps like i should have 2 years ago, and go to MATC, hopefully this spring semester. but that would involve getting my bill cleared with UWW, wich is a little over 3 grand, so thats not likely going to happen.

#.) take a whole semester off. that would kill me, cause SW would want me full time and offer me more money. then i would still ilve at ferris but not be able to be involved. i would have to give up so many things but thats the most logical choise given my money situyation right now.

$.) the freak chance i pull a 2.0..... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

%.) i get out of here. just go to madison or milwaukee or chicago. start with SW there, work for a year or two, go back to school to get that FUCKING peice pof paper that causees everyone som uch GOD DAMN misery and then start doing my won thing

^.) quit it all, just work full time, fuck school. disapoint everyone. move far far away. maybe NYC, do what i can there. i can't stand this place.

&.) somthing that i shouldn't even be thinking about. somthing that no one should think about. i may be giving up on UWW for now, but i'm not going there.




so thats it. i can't think anymore, i have a raquetball final at 10am, my last official final, and probably my last offical act as a student at the Unoiversity of Wisconsin - Whitewater.


wow, I SUCK AT LIFE.












the shoulders that are so broad, the shoulders that everyone can cry on, the man that everyone can turn too, the person that people confide in, the one that isd the life of the party and yuor best friend at the same time is done.


who can i turn to?

i shouldn't just be let allone to sit and study, not only do i not study (because for some odd reason i think i'll be bale to skate by in life like i've been doing sooooo well on so far) but i sit and think about quitting.

sad fact is i might not come back after this semester. i owe too much money, i'm not putting my heart into it, i'm not putting school ahead of life now. i should be striving to leave, but i'm some sort of masochistic Van Wilder. i see the chalange of getting kicked out of school and in some strange way welcome it.

i'm not getting anything out of this, i'm thinking about just saying screw thid university and finishing out at a 2 year, then in a few years go for my design degree after i get some real world experience.

its shitty how the world works, i have to struggle through some menial bullshit, so i can have a menial job doing nothing important, so i can aquire things, and feighn happyness.

i'll never be happy with that. I know theres more out there. this is the second time i'll reference 'Pippin' in this Blog.

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

Every man has his daydreams
Every man has his goal
People like the way dreams have
Of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning
Nightingales have their song
And don't you see I want my life to be
Something more than long....

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

i need a purpose. somthing thats specific to me. All my life i lived to make people happy and to make things right. but more and more i'm finding that i can't do that. i can't make people happy if i'm not happy with myself.

i've got some searching to do. i'm waiting for that dare to be great situation. i havent even seen 'say anything...' but thats what i'm waiting for, some action that will define my life and how things will work out for me.

to clarify, i'm not waiting for somthing to plop into my lap, i know in this life you have to go after what you want to get it.




but what if you have no idea what you want....






i'm a lost soul on a broken pathway, just like the rest of us. i just hope that my life is important enough to not spiral downward, but also not maintain the path its on right now...


i need somthing.

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

wow, what a day. i say day even though i havent really slept sence the drunken 3 hours i got friday night. after 9 hours of work 8-5 on saturday, speeding out of a work christmas party and going to Racine to spend the night huddled next to a Best-Buy with some crazyier than us people (who couldn't count to 31) and now i'm back. back to civilization. a long... i mean like hour long shower, and a nice shave job, especially going over 3 shampooing's seeing as the last time i showered was friday morning, and i was wearing the stupid hat all day... wich reeks now... its good to be back, i'm a little richer, like enough to go eat. i've got some good stories and the 6 of us bonded more.

all in all a good ol' time.